The Elephant in the Room

Soo...

I had someone ask me recently why my short story, Entertaining Angels, was hovering between $700 and $1000 on Amazon, and why it was only available from third party sellers.

I mean, that's weird, right?

Well, there's a long story there, so buckle in.

When I wrote that story, I was in the middle of being an Evangelical Christian. Regularly attending church. Leading the Men's Ministry. The whole enchilada.

Since then, I've become a completely different person.

I grew up in a family deeply entrenched in Christian thought. I was a born again Christian, and up until a few years ago that's how I identified myself. 

When I used to tell the story of my conversion to Christianity, I would say that it was never just one moment. It was a buildup of thousands of moments that layered into the change. I became a Christian at age twelve, but there were countless things before that moment that led me to it.

Recently, I've come to the same realization that the same is true for deconstruction. There's no one instance that caused me to take a step back and reevaluate my beliefs. It was decades and layers of thoughts and moments. 

I know some blame where I'm at right now on living in the "godless liberal North," but it started way before that. 

I know some blame it on my marriage to Trisha, but it started before that. 

Some probably blame it on me attending college, but, yeah, it started before that. 

Some might blame it on me attending a public highschool after spending my previous years in private Christian schools, but it's not that.

Over the past few decades, I've been slowly deconstructing my faith. I hid it well. There were a few friends and family members I felt safe talking to, but for the most part, I put up a facade. I became the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. I did that with school, church, family, and even my wife in the early years of our marriage. I was whoever I thought they wanted for my role as a good Christian and didn't really be myself. 

The two things that really kicked off my deconstruction were becoming fed up with the way fundamentalist treated the LGBTQ community and the way that my being a Young Earth Creationist made me sound like a Flat Earther.

The past few years as my deconstruction has been fully realized, and I have begun to reconstruct my beliefs, I've been accused of abandoning my southern roots, leading my family down a wicked path, and disgracing the legacy of faith from my father and grandfather (let me tell you, that's a fun accusation to receive). What's funny is that as I've stepped away from the trappings of religion and faith I've found my beliefs coming more in line with Christlike teachings. 

I say all that to come back around to Entertaining Angels. This was my first ever work of mine published, and I'm still proud of it. But it's no longer indicative of who I am. I wrote this story trying to fit it into an Evangelical narrative and even wrapped it up with a call to faith. I pulled all new copies from the Amazon store because I no longer believe in the same things I did when I put those words into page.

I no longer believe in a monotheistic God that controls aspects of our reality.

I no longer believe in the inerrancy of the Bible.

I no longer believe that humanity needs Christianity (or religion at all) to survive.

So, this story no longer reflects who I am as an author or as a person. 

Maybe one day I'll revisit it and do some rewrites on it (especially because I love these characters and I've used them in other stories), but for now I'm going to let it fade away.

But if anyone wants to pay me $700 for a copy, I'll gladly oblige.

Thanks for reading.

Another short story is coming your way next week.

-Anthony

(As a addendum- if you want to watch the following video by The Genetically Modified Skeptic, his story of deconversion resonates with mine and it might be helpful to understand me if you give his video a listen)